01. Thou shall not pour sugar on thy coffee
Thou shall not defy the purity of holy beans with sugar, simple syrup, honey, or anything fun. Thou shall add milk only for cappuccino and latte. Thy love for coffee should be raw. If thou chew roasted coffee beans, and or eat green beans for breakfast, thou shall be sainted.
02. Thou shall not drink, even touch, instant coffee
Instant coffee – those in the sachets, especially – are evil. Thou shall detest them, and thou shall look at those who take instant coffee in pity. Or, disgust. Thou shall roast thy own green beans, grind them, and brew them thyself. Thou shall not believe in shortcut to sipping heaven. Thou shall bear that cross. (Yes, this commandment also expels those vile coffee capsules!)
03. Thou shall not believe in iced cappuccino
If thou enter a self-proclaimed coffee shop – our church, that is! – and see “iced cappuccino” on the litany – menu card, that is! – thou shall burn that place immediately, for only heathens who serve iced cappuccino.
04. Thou shall not stir thy latte and cappuccino
Thou shall be grateful for the rosettas, tulips, and other latte artworks displayed on thy cups of lattes and cappuccinos. Thou shall not ruin them. Thou shall sip thy holy drinks in careful manner, letting the latte artworks slowly fading to the bottom of thy cups or vessels.
05. Thou shall not enter Starbucks
Thou shall walk around every Starbucks store seven times just like Joshua did to the walls of Jericho, and thou shall scream out loud thy prayers and intercessions to bring down this evil chain. Thou shall not believe that there could be fellow coffee connoiseurs working for Starbucks. Thou shall despise the idea to accept Starbucks as a business model, let alone learn about them. Thou shall judge.
06. Thou shall not buy ground coffee from the supermarket
Thou shall buy beans, and beans only. In fact, thou shall bring down the entire “Coffee” section in the supermarkets with fire and brimstone.
07. Thou shall not take coffee that is not local
Thou shall support local coffee farmers wholeheartedly, and thou shall not drink Ethiopian delights when thou liveth in – uhmmm, let’s say – Oslo. Thou shall be convinced that each single bean that is ground then brewed for thy simplest coffee break should have “local”, “organic”, “eco-friendly”, and “fair trade” stamps on it. Thou shall live in such complication.
08. Thou shall not hold the sound of slurping
Thou shall let the whole world know how grateful thou art for each of thy sip. Thy proclamation and praise to the Holy Beans should be made loud and clear. Let the heavens and Earth know how sophisticated art thou as coffee connoiseurs. Thou shall be that annoying.
09. Thou shall not spend less than 30 minutes discussing the coffee thou has just slurped
Thou shall gather with brothers and sisters in Coffee, and thou all shall slurp together in harmony, then thou shall discuss about the personal truth that each of thou hath just slurped. Thou shall remember that every time two or three coffee connoisseurs gather in the name of La Marzocco, Slayer and Kees van der Westen, the God of Caffeine will abide among us.
10. Thou shall not fail to discover the tasting notes in thy cup
In faith, thou shall seek, and thou shall find the flavours of berry, chocolate, mango, daffodil, pineapple, snowflakes, or maybe cannabis (if thou brew something from Aceh, North Sumatera, Indonesia) in thy cup. And, thou shall feel very smart, educated, and better than everybody else when thou hath found those flavours. If thou could not find or define the flavours of thy coffee, … thou shall pretend.